I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
