He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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