Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
