Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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