I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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