this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
