my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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