How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
is wine microwaveable?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
