grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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