I am in a vortex of obligation.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
