It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
