if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
