I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
