Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
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