I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
