Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
