I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
NoShamevember. You game?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
