I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
