WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
