Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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