He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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