she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
