Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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