the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
