so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
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oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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