Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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