I faked an abortion last night.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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