Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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