Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
thus making me awesome and them whores
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
