I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
