Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
pray to the hookup gods
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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