We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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