your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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