"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you had me at cake vodka
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
