Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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