I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
