im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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