sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
