I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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