The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
