He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
