I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
