I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
