And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
