my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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