I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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