I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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