I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
