God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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