I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
