What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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