If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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