So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
