Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
only if we run a train.
done.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
