Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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