Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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