my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You ruined the universe
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
