well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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