They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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