So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
