Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
